Borderline Case

Things the border guard says to you at the booth at the Ambassador Bridge in Detroit, USA:

Guard 1: What’s your destination?
You: Davis, California.
G1: Why are you going there?
Y: To visit my friend Megan.
G1: How long are you going to be there?
Y: I’m leaving in July.
G1: [shakes head, scowls, purses lips] Take this orange slip and drive up under the lights.

Things the guards say ‘under the lights’ in the border search plaza at the Ambassador Bridge in Detroit, USA:

Guard 2: Put your vehicle in park turn off your engine leave the keys in the ignition pop your trunk cell phones are to be left in the vehicle take the orange slip through that door.
Guard 3: [looking at your bags in the trunk] Check this out! [scowls, purses lips] He says he’s visiting for how long?

Things you hear while sitting in the immigration office at the Ambassador Bridge in Detroit, USA:

The guy next to you confides - I got called in to work today because there’s a driver sick, and my boss and me are driving down to pick this guy up. Problem is, my boss is a Hell’s Angel.

Guard 4 - We got a runner! We got a runner in lane six!
Guard 5 - Overtime! Gimme that overtime!

Things the border guard says when he fingerprints you with the laser scanner that makes your fingerprints come up a foot high on screen at the immigration office at the Ambassador Bridge in Detroit, USA:

Guard 6: You just relax, let me do all the work. Your fingers are too moist, just rub them on your chest, like this.

Things that make your heart stop while sitting in the immigration waiting area at the Ambassador Bridge in Detroit, USA:

Officer A. asks for your driver’s license. Wait 5 minutes. Officer A. asks for your passport. Wait 10 minutes. Officer A. walks to her desk and stamps your passport with a devastating kachunk. Sounds like the words ‘Entry Denied’ are now inked in your passport in inch-high letters. Wait 5 minutes, feels like 5 hours.

Welcome to America:

Officer A. says the copies of your pay stubs, your mortgage papers, your bank statements, your bills from Scotia Fuels and your employment letter from CBC are worth NOTHING in the grand game of USA entry. But she did call your boss Carolyn, who obviously impressed the hell out of her. Entry allowed! Give this card to the Canadian border official on leaving the USA, our you’ll never set foot again in the Land of the Free as long as you live.

You speed away, lungs full of the sweet air of LIBERTY!
Next stop – one of those stores where the liquor is cheap and the cashier is encased in Plexiglas.